Monday, July 18, 2011

My Confession

I should have written this note a long time ago but I felt so reluctant in jotting down what the truth is and what really happened that I hardly notice how deeply my soul or my conscience or my subconscious is hurt as days goes on. In the last so many years, it seem less important to me and my life. But today this idea stuck me since the morning and I have been thinking about it all the time, I even hit a rickshaw on my way to Office but still I can’ t get rid of this feeling. I can’t even confess to him because he is gone and he is never coming back. He is dead and is dead for the last 4 years. And I am left with no place to find solace. My heart seems to be bleeding and soul is shattered beyond repair. Wish I had one chance to say sorry, I know he don’t hate me but I know what I did was wrong and I wanted to let him know I can do anything to change the past and fix my fault. For now, I think the best think I can do both to myself and to him is to let people know the truth.

When I joined my school about 21 years back, he was the only guardian I had in the school. I was about 5 and half years old and he was about 8 years. He himself was suffering from this dilemma of his single parent family, adolescent stage and his school life but even then he treated me like his own sister, came to my class during recess with his friends, ask me is everything fine, helping me with many other things. I was proud that I have someone who cares for me in that new place which was full of strangers. We are not actually very close relatives. He is my mom’s elder sister’s husband’s cousin brother’s son. His father died when he was a baby and his mom in trying to run her family and bring up her children did lots of odd jobs and was sometime wrongly interpreted by many people in her neighbourhood. After 1 year, I was quite comfortable in my class and with my friends that I find him not so important in my life anymore. One day my mom was furious with his mom because of some elderly issue and I find it inappropriate to mention the issue in this blog. Anyway, when I came to know my mom was angry even I felt bad. I was just 6 years old and I didn’t know what was good and what was bad but I wanted to protect my mom and help my mom so I thought I should blame him for something, as a revenge for what his mom did. I told my mom, sorry let me correct it, I lied to my mom that he comes to my class often and drink all the waters from my bottle and eat my Tiffin, I also told her that sometimes he abuse me and her(my mom). When my mom came to know she was so angry that she call up my dad immediately and they had a long discussion with my mom’s elder sister. Finally my dad wrote a letter to the principal of our school. The next day, the principal call us to his room and we were asked in detailed about the letter. When we were standing in the Principal’s room he looked at me with a deeply hurt eyes which I can’t forget till now and asked me, “why did u lie? I didn’t do any of these”. I kept quite but I never had the courage to say the truth. I think he was punished but I never cared to check out. From that day we were like this unforgiveable enemy. We never talked and we always ignored when we see each other for the next 10 years. He never existed in my life anymore. But, when I completed my schooling, I had to go to delhi for my Graduation and my dad accompanied me for the admission. At that time, Things were fine between our families too. So, we met again in Delhi, he took me to the colleges for admission, gave us a big room till I get my own flat. I felt really ashamed of myself and I wanted to tell him I am sorry for what I did but I never got a chance. He was different now, he seems to care too less about life or career and he was like a free bird. I was worried about him because sometime he forgets lots of things like when he is going to pick me up or what I asked him to buy. I got admission and I shifted to a girl’s PG. He helped me in shifting, getting admission and visited me often to see if I was Ok. One day he told me he is going to another state for some work, 5 days after that I learnt from home that he died because of overdose. He was singing and playing guitar one night with his friends when he suddenly fell down and died at that spot. I cried for the whole day, skipped college too. His friends came to see me and console me. They asked me to come for his shraddha at their flat but I never went and I don’t know why. Wish I had one chance to tell you bro that I am sorry deep from my heart and I wish you can tell me it’s ok sister, I forgive you…..:(


  1. RIP his soul.

    u know, just mention him on your prayer. least u can do for him. No? Cheer up.

  2. Better late than Never.BY thw way u can mention me in your prayers for i am facing something really hard which has made me man from a boy, all of a sudden.

  3. Thanks both of u..Sid, I 'll do what u said and Flower,,Ok..:)